Not So Xmas Music 2014

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The following selections will be irreverent. There may be profanity and other offensive things.

In years past I’ve made blog entries that were essentially YouTube videos of music that interested me at the time, particularly around the Holiday season. This amuses me, being atheist and SubGenius and absurdist and skeptic and ..well crap. I was gonna jokingly refer to myself as a musicologist here but apparently that’s a real thing. So I’m gonna call myself a musiciatrist instead. There! Take that, reality!

There may be some selections here that I picked in years past. There may not be. I’m not going back over previous years to see if I’m repeating myself. Yes, I’m that lazy. Years from now I’ll look back on all this and laaaaaaugh! As a musiciatrist who studies musiciatry, I like to leave my findings here in my musiciatral log book for future reference and to inspire aspriring musiciatrists everywhere. Here are some songs to get you in the “spirit” of Xmas here in the year of our “Bob” 1997. Remember it’s always six o’clock somewhere, so drink up!

Julie Wittner and Ryan Smith’s “What Would Jesus Do?” 

Okay so technically this isn’t a Christmas song, but it is about Jesus growing up and becoming a redneck. So it’s close enough to start things off with.

Joss Stone’s “Anti Christmas Carol” 

Here we witness musicians thankful for Christmas, that it only comes once a year. That it’s an excuse to drink a lot and play music cuz that’s what they were gonna do anyway. If you are already tired of Christmas, no matter what time of year it is, this song is for you. Joss Stone also participated in the 2004 remake of the saccharine “Do They Know It’s Christmas” song for charity. Like most pop rock artists, she’s burning both ends of the candle.

Ren and Stimpy’s “I Hate Christmas”

This time of year I actually enjoy Christmas music. Especially the past five years or so since I realized my atheism. I can look at this shit now exactly for what it is. Entertaining schmaltzy crap. It’s light fun. From traditional carols to the latest fad pop single by someone who is famous this week but no one will remember who they are next Xmas. However, there are days when I feel just like Ren. And back when I believed all the trappings of Christmas, there were days when I was downright bummed by all the hypocrisy around me. If the baby Jesus really did mean to bring peace and good will toward all to this spinning rock in space, people should be nice to each other year round not just during the Christmas season. Right? Well, now that I realize it’s all a bunch of lies, it makes more sense that we’re jerks to each other most of the time. The world makes more sense when one accepts it for what it is, and not try to imagine it’s something that it’s not. Then once we can see humanity for what it really is, then maybe we can change it. If we just pretends it’s all fluffy clouds and rainbows, then we can’t see what needs fixing, or whether or not anything needs fixing. Anyway, listen to this shit and shut the fuck up.

Fear’s “Fuck Christmas” 

Despite my claims of musicology, I only really know this guy’s face due to one thing. Lee Ving played MR. BODY in the theatrical release of the Parker Brothers family game called “CLUE.” Great movie. Wonderful cast. Terrible jokes told in a smart way. Lee Ving also happens to be the only regular member of the punk rock group called FEAR. This is the kind of band where venues pay them to not show up. For you kids, this guy and his band got on Saturday Night Live back in the early 1980s at John Belushi’s invitation, and they trashed the place. Somewhere between fifty and five hundred thousand dollars of damage to the studio, depending on who you ask.  Show some respect, you young whippersnappers! Get off the lawn!

Spalien Acefraft’s “Anti-Christmas Song” 

He’s not anti-everything, but he is anti-Christmas. Here he is for two and a half minutes explaining to you why. With a guitar. And a sweet backup vocal by some gal.

Sex Pistols’ “Jingle Bells” 

This actually sounds better than one might think upon first reflection. The thing about this band is that even though they were irreverent and despicable and unpleasant, particularly to anything that resembled authority, they could also actually throw down three chords and carry a tune.. History is being kinder to them than we all thought back in the past, not because of their pomp and circumstance but because when push came to shove, they were respectfully talented. Perhaps that was ultimately their intended message, if in fact there was one at all. Respect should be earned, not given due to tradition. Respect is something other people should give you because they feel you deserve it, not cuz you demand it and expect it from others whether you can throw down a track or not.

South Park’s “Merry Fucking Christmas”

In case there’s still anyone left who isn’t offended, this oughtta cover it.

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