[third time’s the charm!]
TITLE CARDS WITH STINGER SFX: JBU PRESENTS YOU DON’T BRING ME FLOWERS
OPTIONAL OPEN CUT
INT. DAY. FOYER – FLORIST POV
Shot actually starts with us looking at the back of a florist’s uniform. The man or woman wearing it moves out of frame, revealing GABY’s face in a neutral emotional state, looking off after the florist as they leave. Perhaps she vocalizes a thank you or just kinda half waves. She has a large bouquet of flowers in her hand. She turns away as she closes door.
This shot should only be used if crew can afford to hire someone to pose as the florist. If this shot is too cumbersome, make it the first thing you cut.
INTERIOR. DAY. KITCHEN
In the foreground we should see Allison in kitchen preparing food for cooking. What meal doesn’t really matter. Should be something the actress is comfortable messing with for a shoot, cuz she’s using it for most of the scene. Perhaps something that allows for stage business, using the food improvisationally for emphasis of lines, or perhaps whatever’s available that day. Needs to be the same thing throughout the scene. For example, chopping veggies should only be considered if actress is comfortable with a sharp knife. She could be making sandwiches for all I care, so long as she’s comfortable doing it, and it looks good.
Gaby should be kinda visible in the background entering the doorway of the kitchen and stopping, after having said goodbye to the florist and closing the front door of the apartment. Gaby does not fully enter the kitchen. She is looking at the BOUQUET OF FLOWERS and retrieving THE CARD which is attached. We can’t see the card yet, but it’s important that the card be relatively small, folded once, and be made of sturdy paper that’s solid white or pink in color. There’s no writing visible on the card. It should be as nondescript as possible, but definitely look like the sort of thing that can be found attached to a bouquet of flowers. It’s important the card be about the size and sturdiness of an index card. Something that could fit inside a jeans pocket without effort. This early on, it should not bring much attention to itself. In fact we can’t see it yet. It’s in Gaby’s hand, and she should be blurry in the background. The camera is focused on Allison as she prepares food.
As the scene opens, Allison is talking as if we’ve begun in the middle of a conversation. She is assuming Gaby is still in the kitchen. She did not notice Gaby step away to answer the door. In fact she didn’t hear the doorbell or notice Gaby have a conversation with anyone. She’s just talking. Allison is characteristically happy. So far, today’s been a good day. It should feel as if we are starting in the middle of a conversation to which we are not privy to the beginning. If we can start the scene with Allison in mid sentence that’s great. Whatever works in post. You can also of course edit down or lengthen this opening monologue as much as is necessary to establish Gaby’s conundrum. I’m trying to give extra room to establish it, so the audience knows what’s going on, but if you don’t need this much then by all means please feel free to shorten it.
ALLISON: (to Gaby she thinks but really she’s talking mostly to herself) To be honest I don’t ever wanna go to that new chinese place ever again.
[As Allison’s monologue continues, RACK FOCUS, blurring ALLISON and making GABY more visible. She’s looking at the flowers and the card. She’s unhappy about the card. She doesn’t say anything, but she looks up at Allison and makes a face then looks back down at the card, as Allison continues talking oblivious to Gaby’s concern.]
ALLISON (cont.): I know your friend suggested it last week and I know I’ve been and I ate there and you ate there we all ate there, whatever. I know you’ve seen me eat sushi before and sometimes I can get through it but most times I can’t. Most times I just poke at the food and toss it into a nearby planter when no one’s looking.
CUT TO INSERT OF GABY LOOKING DOWN AT CARD WITH WORRIED LOOK
She is framed in the kitchen doorway. Flowers in one hand. Card in other. She’s looking down at the card. Not pleased with what she sees. She’s mute. Trying not to give her concern away to Allison.
ALLISON (cont.): I just pretend to eat it, cuz I’m never certain if sushi is alive or dead. I mean is that raw fish ever actually cooked before I get it? No. Is it at least heated up enough to kill all the bacteria? No. It’s just chilled and I don’t think chilling bacteria kills bacteria I think it just pisses them off.
CUT TO INSERT OF CARD IN GABY’S HAND. OPENED. THERE’S NO WORDS ON IT.
ALLISON (cont.): There’s all kinds of parasites and nasty microscopic critters in sushi. Salmonela comes to mind. There’s anisakis simplex also known as the herring worm.
CUT TO INSERT OF GABY LOOKING UP FROM CARD AT ALLISON: SHE MAY SWALLOW HARD. WORRIED.
ALLISON (cont.): There’s vibrio vulnificus, and others that I can’t even pronounce. They cause nausea and vomiting and anaphylactic shock. Death! Or worse!
CUT TO POV: ALLISON FROM WHERE GABY IS STANDING
Allison’s back is kind of to us. Sort of a side back cheat. She’s still in the middle of preparing food for a meal. She’s smiling as she talks about infectious diseases. She’s actually in good spirits.
ALLISON (cont.): I like the veggie ones, but it’s hard to tell what sushi is all veggie and what’s tofu and what’s actual fish fish. Everything looks like it came from another planet when you roll it up in rice and chop it into pieces!
Allison looks up, happy. Smiling. Almost laughing at what she just said.
CUT TO OTS: FACING GABY FROM WHERE ALLISON IS STANDING
ALLISON: (beat) Where’d you go?
GABY: (poker face) Right here.
ALLISON: You’re holding flowers.
GABY: I.. answered the door..?
ALLISON: You left me talking to myself for five minutes?
GABY: Five seconds maybe.
ALLISON: How much did you not hear?
GABY: You like veggies.
CUT TO ALLISON REACTION
As usual, Gaby wasn’t listening to her. Allison rolls her eyes and gives a “typical” expression.
ALLISON: For the billionth time I pour my soul out and you’re doing something else. Surprised you don’t have your phone in your hand.
GABY: I also heard something about pissing off bacteria, if that helps.
ALLISON: It doesn’t. Are the flowers from Davis? Just put em in water. There’s a vase over there.
CUT TO GABY REACTION
Gaby has been looking at Allison during this salvo, glances down at card when camera is back on her. She’s factoring how to play the next few minutes, hoping to avoid the inevitable.
GABY: Davis? Sure. (beat. Looks back up) Wait.
INSERT: GABY’S POCKET
During the next two lines, we get a close up of Gaby putting THE CARD in her FRONT LEFT POCKET of her blue jeans. Try to make this as innocuous as possible, otherwise it’ll give up the punchline too soon, but it’s important the audience knows where the card went.
GABY (cont. off cam) Why would you just assume they’re for you?
ALLISON: (off cam) Cuz Davis hasn’t done something like this yet and he is overdue..
GABY: (off cam) Overdue for what?
CUT TO SAME SHOT WE STARTED WITH: ALLISON IN FOCUS FOREGROUND
or as close to it as we can get. Gaby should still be at doorway when this shot begins, but she’s walking across kitchen towards us while we still have Allison in foreground… You might have to punch out a wall to get this shot but it’ll be worth it. No it won’t. This is how I see it in my head but if you can do it better that’s fine.
ALLISON: (in view) ..By now we should be at the point in our relationship where Davis sends me something stupid like flowers, an obvious waste of money, and then I will get to carefully have a talk with him about how if he wants so very much to waste money on me what he should do is not decide for himself what to buy but instead just take me shopping!
CUT TO SHOW ALLISON AND GABY IN KITCHEN TOGETHER
Gaby grabs a vase from the counter and is setting the flowers in water. Allison is still preparing food. Smile on her face. Blissfully unaware of what’s coming. Gaby still looks like she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. When she’s done with the flowers and the vase, she leaves it on the counter somewhere the camera can still see it well, then she leans on the counter, away from the sink, and turns to face Allison.
GABY: Most of my lovers should know better than to send me flowers. I’d rather they just give me the money.
ALLISON: That’s so unromantic.
GABY: (nods) but it’s practical. I guess I don’t do flowers.
ALLISON: Well I’m glad you’re doing these flowers for me cuz I’m all covered in schmutz. Davis means well. I just haven’t trained him well enough yet. It takes time.
(beat. Gaby has all but relaxed. Tragedy averted.)
ALLISON: (cont. all smiles) So what did he say?
GABY: (winces) What did who say?
ALLISON: Davis, silly. On the card. What did it say?
GABY: Oh. I dunno. Stuff.
ALLISON: No really. Did he do the moon and stars thing? “I love you like the moon loves the stars.” Was that on there?
GABY: What’s that even mean?
ALLISON: I dunno. I’ve told him to stop.
GABY: Makes zero sense.
ALLISON: I agree, but I do like how he says it.
Allison gets to a stopping point in preparing the meal. She’s not done but she can stop for now to talk to Gaby. If feasible, Allison goes to the sink and rinses her hands during this next salvo, then reaches for a towel and wipes the schmutz off her hands. If we can’t work washing hands into the stage business, she just towels her hands off. Whatever works best for character and given limitations of set.
GABY: And I’m happy you’re happy with how Davis says it.
ALLISON: No really.
GABY: No really what?
ALLISON: What was on the card?
GABY: What you said it said. Hi. This is Davis. And all that mushy stuff about stars.
ALLISON: Where’s the card? I wanna see it.
Gaby takes a sorta half a lean back and puts her hands up kinda defensively.
GABY: Let’s just pretend you already saw it can we do that?
ALLISON: (voice getting a little upset) Of course we can’t! Why are you being so weird all the sudden?
GABY: I’m not getting weird and you need to calm down.
ALLISON: (yells) I AM CALM!
GABY: Let’s just pretend the card said Davis he did the stars thing and we can move on with our lives.
ALLISON: If that were true you would show me!
GABY: If you love me you will drop this right now!
ALLISON: Where’s the card!?
GABY: (feign hurt) Oh fine so you don’t love me?
ALLISON: Of course I love you like the stars and stuff now where’s the god damned card!?
GABY: (winces. She does not like where this is going) It’s in my pocket.
ALLISON: Yeah? Well, I want it.
GABY: Why? It’s just a stupid piece of paper! In comparison to the whole of the universe it has absolutely no significance whatsoever.
ALLISON: For my scrapbook.
GABY: Oh really.
ALLISON: For my Davis Loves Me scrapbook.
GABY: You don’t have a Davis Loves Me scrapbook.
ALLISON: I have kept scrapbooks of all my ex boyfriends so I can burn them later in effigy.
GABY: I’m not giving you the card.
ALLISON: Where is it?
GABY: This is for your own good Allison. I love you. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you, but if you look at this card you are going to scream.
ALLISON: You don’t know that.
GABY: Yes I do.
ALLISON: How do you know?
GABY: Cuz I know you!
ALLISON: Gimme the card.
ALLISON: You put it in your pocket? Which one?
GABY: My front pocket.
CUT TO ALLISON BUST REACTION SHOT
Allison reaches for it and then stops herself. The expression on her face is a combination of “which front pocket I don’t know” and “ohmigod that’s right next to Gaby’s taco- gross.”
CUT TO CU: GABY REACTION SHOT
We watch Gaby’s face go from serious concern for her friend to sudden elation and relief – after all this time, Allison is finally gonna have her fingers inches away from Gaby’s snatch. It’s like a lightbulb goes off over Gaby’s head and turns into a mushroom cloud. Gaby’s suddenly over the moon.
GABY: (toothy smile that eats half her face) The card is in my front. Left. Pocket.
ALLISON: (off cam) Take it out!
CUT TO TWO SHOT
Allison and Gaby are now uncomfortably close (for Allison) Gaby’s daring Allison with body language to put a hand in Gaby’s pocket. Allison looks like she has to eat bacteria laden sushi the rest of her life. Her face is all scrunched up like she’s been eating lemons. Gaby is glowing with excitement.
GABY: Nope! I’m not giving it to you. If you want it that bad, you will have to fish for it.
ALLISON: What? No!
GABY: Fisssssssshhhhhhhh for it! Go ahead!
ALLISON: If I put my hand in there you’ll just like it!
GABY: Exactly! So it’s safe and sound. You’ll never put your hand in there. I dare you!
ALLISON: (beat. desperate change of plan) I know! I’ll tickle you if you don’t give it to me!
GABY: (unphased. this sounds even better) PLEASE DO!
ALLISON: (turns away) Ooh! Just gimme it!
GABY: No. This is for your own good.
ALLISON: Why!? Why are you doing this to me?
GABY: Cuz I know you. That’s why. It will upset you more than you’re upset now, and because just the idea of this is turning me on a lot.
GABY: I’m not giving the card to you. Just pretend it says Davis.
ALLISON: What’s it really say?
GABY: I love your moon and stars and stuff Hi I’m Davis.
ALLISON: Just tell me!
GABY: I just did!
ALLISON: No you didn’t!
GABY: If you want the truth that bad you’ll have to FISSSSSSSHHHHH!
GABY: FISSSSSHSHSHSHSH TACO!
ALLISON: When was the last time you bathed?
GABY: (thinks) three days ago. Maybe four. I forget.
GABY: You can tickle me first if you want. You can do anything you want to me, Allison. Beth. Raskin.
Allison shakes her head and makes a raspberry sound. Trying to work up the gumption to do this. Unintentionally this probably gets spittle all over Gaby’s face they’re so close but Gaby is unphased.
GABY: (cont.) ..but i want you to fish for it. And then don’t say I didn’t warn you. I don’t wanna hear you scream if you look at it.
ALLISON: I wanna scream now!
GABY: You can stop right now.
ALLISON: I need to know!
GABY: No you don’t. I’m telling you to trust me. We can just say it was Davis and move on with our lives. Just don’t ever ask him.
EXTREME CU: ALLISON
Allison is making a face like she is about to stick her hand into a toilet filled with hypodermic needles and razor blades.
ALLISON: I can’t not know! I need to be able to sleep tonight, Gaby!
EXTREME CU: GABY
Gaby is making a face like she’s about to lick the sweat off Amanda Palmer immediately after a show. Head to toe. What human being on this planet wouldn’t want to do that?
GABY: I’m telling you if you look at the card, you won’t sleep tonight anyway.
[and here is where things get dicey. We’re all professionals here, right? Okay, y’all are. From my perspective this is just racy fanfic.]
Ideally we need a shot that’s got both ladies in view and Allison Raskin is clearly sticking her hand into Gaby Dunn’s front left pocket, then they both squirm around for about five seconds.. five to ten seconds.. Give or take a few seconds.. both girls can play it up all they want. Perhaps we can get multiple angles but that’d be pushing it. If Allison Raskin the actress is not willing to do this, we can get a hand model to stand in for Allison and if Gaby Dunn doesn’t want to do it, we can also get a stand in to wear the same pair of jeans. Just do an extreme close up of a hand reaching into a pocket and then pulling out the card. I’m flexible. It needs to look authentic, but I understand if this is not something one or both actresses are comfortable getting on film. If it worked for Flashdance, a decent director could make it work here. Just get stand ins. However, if we don’t need stand ins, the camera angles should clearly – you don’t have your principles do a stunt like this and not clearly let the audience see it’s your big name stars doing it. Grok me? Dong ma? Sorted. If the actresses find ways to play this up and add fun to it, that’s fine, but no more than five to ten seconds.
And then Allison pulls the tiny card out of Gaby’s pocket victorious. When she does, Allison steps away from Gaby, who lingers on her feet for a half second and then her legs get all wobbly and she falls to the floor on her butt. Allison is acting like her skin is crawling with bugs but she’s trying not to completely freak. Like someone on an episode of X-Factor who just survived five minutes of bugs all over them and won the cash prize but they still have to wait for bug handlers to carefully remove the creepy crawlies which could take another couple minutes or so. She’s trying to regain her composure but she’s very embarrassed and grossed out.
CUT TO GABY FOCUS:
ALLISON: (off cam.) What the hell is wrong with you?
GABY: (on floor now. stunned. not smiling exactly, but may or may not be crying she’s so happy) My legs tingle. Can’t feel my feet.
ALLISON: (off cam) Gross! I didn’t do anything! I didn’t touch anything down there!
GABY: (singing impromptu from Coin Operated Boy) “..And if I had a star to wish on! For my life I can’t imagine..”
CUT TO ALLISON FOCUS
Allison is looking at the card. Turns it over in her hand. Opens and closes it as Gaby is still singing Coin Operated Boy or la la las in the background.
ALLISON: Okay this is not funny. Where’s the real card?
GABY: That is the real card.
ALLISON: There’s nothing on it!
GABY: I know.
ALLISON: Where’s the flowers?
CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF KITCHEN
Allison goes to the flowers as if there would be a second card in them. No luck of course. Gaby is still on the floor, like she just snorted cocaine. Allison is working herself up into a dither. She walks away from the vase of flowers. Paces. Barely avoids stepping on Gaby.
GABY: There wasn’t a second card. That’s the card.
ALLISON: But there’s no name!
GABY: I know.
ALLISON: So anyone we know could have sent it!
GABY: I know.
ALLISON: Anyone in the world could have sent it!
GABY: I know.
ALLISON: And I have OCD!
GABY: And you have OCD.
ALLISON: I HAVE OCD!
GABY: Cue Allison screaming in three. two.
Allison screams a long blood curdling scream that we hear for two seconds and then-
QUICKCUT to SUBSCRIBE CARD WITH STINGER MUSIC SFX
CUT BACK TO LIVING ROOM
We are now outside the kitchen in the living room area. The bouquet of flowers is now sitting on the coffee table. Gaby is lying prone on the couch. Fanning herself with a magazine. Reliving the memory over and over. Big ass toothy smile. One hand in her left pocket. She is so happy.
Allison on the other hand is miserable. She’s been storming around the apartment for the past five minutes calling people on her cellphone making texts and she’s at her wits end. We see Allison behind the couch pacing. She’s upset. Looking for something.
ALLISON: Davis isn’t answering his phone.
ALLISON: I gotta go see him right now! Where are my car keys!?
GABY: (makes like a starfish on her back with Jazz Hands) In my front left pocket!
Allison dive bombs Gaby on the couch. Please be careful not to upset the vase of flowers.
QUICK CUT TO END CREDITS CARD WITH STINGER: ZachsMind of Dallas Texas wrote this as a fanfic. No copyright infringement was intended nor should it be inferred. Zach really didn’t think the girls would ever go for it. I serve at the pleasure of The President of GALLISON LLC. Thank you for all the laughs, ladies.
VERY LAST SHOT: OPTIONAL
Where JBU usually puts an out take at the very end of their videos, instead we see a static shot of what appears to be a masculine residential den or bedroom with a rather expensive computer setup. This is clearly someone else’s house, probably a heterosexual male. If it can be a frat house that’s even better, but any masculine decor should do fine. The computer is prominently displayed in the static tableau. At the keyboard we should see a rather large furry male dog up on his hind legs with his front paws at the keyboard looking towards the computer monitor. If we can, some florist website should be visible on the computer monitor. The dog’s tail should be wagging vigorously if possible. Linger on this for a couple seconds and then.
MALE VOICE (off camera): BEAUREGARD! If you’re sending flowers to Sugar using my credit cards, I’m sending you back to the shelter!
Beauregard steps down from computer and runs off camera.
FAST CUT TO BLACK