“Pet Clause”

2nd draft (1st one was composed on Twitter)
by ZachsMind

Scene One: Day. Int. Kitchen.

[Gaby is trying to feed a peanut butter and jelly sammich that she just made with great lack of care to what appears to be the air. There is a dab of strawberry preserves on her nose. If possible we should be able to see that in process of making something as simple as a PB&J, Gaby has made a mess of the counter.]

G: [to the air immediately in front of her] Well don’t just sniff at it… do you prefer grape jam?

[Allison enters frame and stops short of walking into kitchen, as she clearly feels there’s no room.]

A: Gaby?
G: Yeah?

[Camera pulls back to reveal Allison on one side of kitchen and Gaby at the other, still holding sammich, with a great deal of empty space between them that they both behave is filled with–]

A: Why is there an invisible unicorn in our kitchen?
G: Tax purposes?
A: No!

[camera cuts to Gaby with the hand that had held the sammich in front of her. Sammich is now gone. She waits a beat, satisfied, and brings hand down]

G: Charlie had to leave town for a few days. Asked me to keep an eye on his invisible unicorn.
A: You know how I feel about pets!
G: Yes I know how you feel about pets. It’s two whole pages in the roommate agreement.
A: Single spaced! I listed every animal imagin.. able–

[camera cuts back and forth to Allison’s look of shock, then Gaby’s smirk response to Allison’s response. Cut back to Allison who runs off]

SCENE TWO: seconds later. Alison’s bedroom.

[Allison rushes in, goes through some melodramatic routine involving layers of unnecessary secrecy leading to the reveal of a safe, from which she pulls out the roommate agreement. Gaby walks into door frame of Allison’s bedroom as A plops down on her bed with the rather large tome, scouring for the pages on pets. A is frantic]

G: (leaning against door frame) I can save you the trouble.
A: (frantically reading the encyclopedic looking tome) How? You didn’t even read the whole thing when you signed it!
G: I know you. You listed every animal–
A: (still flipping pages) Every animal I believe exists! I know!
G: You wouldn’t have included animals that you don’t believe exist. That would have been–
A: Wasteful and time consuming!
G: So I can have all the unicorns I want! and pegususes–
A: [still upset, but correcting her] Pegusi
G: What’s the thing that’s part bird and part lion and part–
A: A griffin!? They molt!
G: Ooh I hear centaurs are well hung. We can share!
A: [increasingly upset. She rips a page out of book. Eerie music fading in] No! Gaby, no!
G: We can keep mermaids in the bathtub.
A: [crying. torn pages in her hands crumpled up.] Please! No!
G: [turning evil and twisted] I’ve always wanted to turn this place, OUR place, into a menagerie of dirty disgusting imaginary creatures that will trigger your obsessive compulsive disorder.
A: [at her wits end totally losing it] WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!
G: [still twisted evil] Because I love you, Allison. [close up of A crying as G continues] Cuz I love the stuffings out of you. You know that, don’t you?
[music & extreme CU of A reacting is nightmarish & suddenly cuts to]

SCENE THREE: Night. Int. Living room

[We’re facing couch. Allison (sleeping) and Gaby are draped together on couch in a loving but respectfully platonic tableau. The lighting suggests a TV off camera bathing them in soft flickering light. Noise in room should be soft TV sound suggesting Jason and the Argonauts is playing, if you can’t get rights to film’s sound, just anything that sounds like skeletons fighting sweaty men should do. Dog is in Gaby’s lap, and Gaby is loving on dog. This is reality now. Everything up to this point was a bad dream sequence. Terrible cliche I know.]

[Allison wakes with a start. Stares off past camera trying to focus on TV set. Her eyes aren’t cooperating.]

G: (to dog) You know how much I love you right? Who’s a good dog? Who’s the best doggie? Gimmie kisses.
A: (still waking up) Jason and the Argonauts?
G: (to Allison) Did you doze off?
A: (still delirious) Why are we..?
G: It was your idea. I’ve seen it already and you never have. Then you fall asleep on me. If you think it’s boring we can–
A: (to Gaby) No! no. This is great. I’m relieved!
G: Relieved?
A: (looking at TV which is off screen) Yeah! uh, I mean. I’m glad we’re watching this. (A looks at G w/a start) I didn’t have a nightmare!
G: I didn’t suggest that–
A: [stands up with a sudden epiphany] OH MY GOD!
G: What now?
A: (beat. Her face is in a perplexing cross between shock and determination. She knows what she must now do.) I now know what I must do! [she runs off. Camera stays on couch.]
G: What’s wrong? You have to pee?

[we hear Allison’s bedroom door slam in the distance. Gaby looks off after A bewildered]

G: [cut to better framed angle of Gaby still on couch w/dog. They look at each other] You’re lucky. She never made you sign a roommate agreement.
Dog: (deep male voice. can you get ze Frank doing Morgan Freeman?) That’s because I’m your god and you two worship me like mindless drones.
G: (beat) Sounds fair.
Dog: You realize how dated Jason and the Argonauts is, don’t you? Harryhausen didn’t have access to CGI. It’s a tragedy, really. Imagine what he could have done with an Apple computer by his side.
G: Okeyfine next time you pick the movie. Deal?
Dog: Benji the Hunted!
G: Again?