Sometimes it feels like all I use WordPress for is to take highlights of how I completely waste time on the Web and put them somewhere to grant myself the illusion I’m not completely throwing my life away. I am. Long ago I decided to stop trying to figure out how to make my life mean something and just live the life I’ve been given as best I can. But those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t teach, criticize from the sidelines like an armchair quarterback. Over on Reddit just now someone who calls themselves “JayAre31” mentioned offhand that he didn’t believe Tom Hanks had ever made a bad film. What originally started as a snarky one or two sentence comment in response to that quickly erupted into what you are about to read, and after I was done I realized this is just gonna get buried in the sea of posts and replies that make up Reddit every single day. I had vomited years of thought into these paragraphs and it was gonna be for nothing. I probably shoulda left it at that realization. Lesson learned. Stick to snarky comments online. Let’s move on. Instead, I put it here.

“I don’t think Tom Hanks has ever made a bad movie…”

Gonna play Devil’s advocate here cuz I see a good argument against this statement. First off let me preface this by saying “bad” is a subjective term. Sometimes bad is still entertaining, but sometimes bad is just downright bad. While I could argue WITH you that I don’t recall necessarily a bad performance out of Tom Hanks in any of his films (I mean he always brings his A game to the best of my knowledge even in his Bosom Buddies days) he’s been in some clunker projects that deserve a razzie or two. Also he’s been in successful films to which time is being unkind, and a couple downright stinkers, tho you can’t necessarily fault him for why they stink.

I love Joe Vs the Volcano personally, but objectively speaking I can understand why others would not. It’s more of a stale shallow parable than a believable story. Brain cloud? Really? That’s the best they could come up with? Meg Ryan’s multiple characters were terrible and inconsistent. A lot of sour notes in that thing. The moon shot tho.. One can argue it’s all falling action after that. The protagonist realized his humility and his self-worth in that instant. Actually making it to the island was just watching what he was gonna do with his newfound zest for life and the answer was to throw life away. Not the best of messages, frankly.

Bachelor Party was never gonna win any Oscars. I could go on for paragraphs with this one but it’s so not worth dissecting.

Turner and Hooch is fun, but incredibly stupid. Ditto on the dissection for paragraphs not worthy of typing. I think him and Jim Belushi each just lost a bet.

While Forrest Gump is heartwarming and beloved, the writing is completely unbelievable and his relationship with that girl gets kinda creepy upon close examination.
The Terminal. Ugh. Again tho heartwarming, it just drags on and on and while some vignettes in the story would make cute short subject material, the overall effect is lackluster and not worth the ticket price. I did like how he wanted to honor his family by visiting a jazz great. That it was really all about that (spoilers) but what an anticlimactic ending.

Granted, there’s Castaway, A League of Their Own, Philadelphia and Apollo 13. And Saving Private Ryan. And The Green Mile. He’s got a great roster of wonderful films.
And then there’s Polar Express. I should probably see a therapist from that experience.

Polar Express reached for the brass ring and fell off the carousel going at full speed. It’s lifeless. Soulless. Disturbing to watch. Like a puppet show using partially deflated balloon animals. Mondo disturbing. And the story thinks it’s going places but it really just spins its wheels. He was good in it tho.. I guess. Kinda hard to tell since it’s just his voice work coupled with a team of computer geeks trying to animate his performance by using his actual performance and failing miserably. Halfway thru I was like, why not just use live action for the principals and then green screen real people into animated backdrops? But then you get Star Wars Attack of the Clones. Ew.

So in conclusion I count almost a half dozen Tom Hanks films which are arguably “bad.” Though his performance in them is not what made them bad, he is guilty by association. Of course, I’ve never been in a bad movie cuz I’ve never been in a movie. So he’s one up on me. Anyway. At least this old blog of mine is still good for something.