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Caution: The following blog post may contain words offensive to some people. Like “schlong juice” for example, or “corn hole.” In fact, for your edification, here is a list of words I may or may not opt to use in the future. Please familiarize yourself with this list so you can be fully aware of all the words that might offend you. If you might find anything offensive anywhere in the history of anything, please take a long walk off a short pier. Thank you. And now on to the festivities!

I was gonna do more of these wachy Christmas blog posts but real life intervened. Hopefully I’ve put a stop to that. I’m theoretically supposed to have more free time in the coming days, but I may just spend that free time playing DC Universe Online or watching You Tube videos that have nothing to do with Christmas. Of course the idea of being away from the computer entirely and joining the human race this time of year is insane. In order to go be sociable I’d have to deal with traffic, and everyone out there this time of year either freaks out at the slightest hint of ice on the roads, or is drunk off their ass from spiked eggnog or worse. So I’ll stay as close to my computer as possible this Christmas, where it’s safe.

(insert large crash sound effect)

Oh great. The roof just caved in. Some fat old bastard on a sled with a bunch of wild dogs just destroyed my roof! I’ll be right back. I have to go deal with this asshole and hope he hasn’t been drinking. In the mean time, I’ll play some lovely Christmas music for you. Happy Holidays!

Denis Leary’s Merry Fucking Christmas

Okay here’s the story behind this fucking song. One fine July day in sunny California Denis Leary woke up on top of two naked lesbian twins he had imported from France, he snorted some lines of coke off their asses and then after a tremendous shit where he used crisp one hundred dollar bills for toilet paper, Denis Leary called his publicist. He told his publicist he still felt a little bit of pure untainted soul left inside him and he wanted that eradicated immediately. his publicist suggested he record a Christmas album, and the rest is history. That was a lie. I have no idea if Denis Leary ever had a fucking soul. I also doubt he could step foot inside California without bursting into flames.

Alphabet Photography’s Musical Interruption

A couple years ago these guys recorded a flash mob chorus of Hallelujah at some random food court. Not wanting to trump themselves, they decided this time instead to stage what wants to appear to be an impromptu rendition of Carol of the Bells by worker drones in a corporate bee hive. Of course, to actually have a flash mob show up at some industrial complex while people were operating heavy machinery is totally insane. So instead, they create this monstrosity, knowing it won’t fool anybody, but thinking we’ll all think it’s cool anyway. I enjoyed it, but probably not for the reasons originally intended. Keep an eye on the guy using the phone as an instrument cuz he’s all kinds of anticlimactic. Oh, and also keep your fingers away from sharp blades as you play a bandsaw as if it were a viola.

Lindsey Stirling’s What Child Is This

Why is this waif of a girl aimlessly walking and skipping and jumping around in a winter wonderland freezing her tookhes off when she coulda recorded this scene in a studio with central heating and spiked egg nog? Cuz this is what Lindsey Stomp does. It’s her thing. She stomps around playing the fiddle. She’s adorable while she does it. Can you do this? Can anyone who plays the fiddle also dance? Can anyone who knows how to dance also play the fiddle? No. She can. Don’t make faces.. Oh, sorry. She doesn’t go by Stomp anymore. Guess she got married. Everybody say “awwww” at the same time. I’m happy for you Lindsey, now get inside before your fingers fall off from frostbite you silly minx.

Weird Al Yankovic and Annoying Orange

This is a blatant commercial of a free video you can download for free from itunes cuz everyone loves free. Then once they trick you into going to itunes, they’ll tell you about all the stuff that you can buy from both Weird Al Yankovic and Annoying Orange and you better buy all their crap so they can afford to give away more free shit. It’s the fucking holidays. Spending money is all part of the tradition. Or something. Happy generic blah to you and your generic family unit. Personally I adore both Weird Al Yankovic and Annoying Orange, and I encourage you to give your entire life savings to them and follow them around the country in a drunken stupor. After all Weird Al does look an awful lot like Jesus Christ, if you squint a lot and drink more schlong juice!

The Piano Guys’ We Three Kings

Why am i including serious Christmas music in my wacky Zachy Xmas crapola? Cuz it’s funny. Lookit! These guys are playing a piano and cello in the middle of an ice rink. This is funny! Whaddaya mean it’s not funny? I laughed my ass off, or was that the ice?

Christmas Carol Medley On Piano

In case I’m not leaving enough Christmas music here for you to keep yourselves entertained this holiday season, I thought I’d end this list with a video of some dude playing a very boring standard Christmas medley of songs on piano along with lyrics so you and your friends can huddle around the warm computer and sing off key to your heart’s content. If that’s not enough, here’s another video of songs that someone other than me thought was worth your time. Here’s over an hour of christmas music that somebody else was considerate enough to put into one video so you don’t have to keep clicking and wearing out your mouse. If that’s not enough, here’s Ten Hours of Jingle Bells to drive you crazy. You might want to click on these now, cuz any second the YouTube copyright elves will find out whoever uploaded them doesn’t own every single note and will send lumps of coal down your cable modem instead of the videos.