As I write these words I am not on the Internet. If I ever get on the Internet again, I’ll eventually post this on my blog, I suppose. I’ve been meaning to write a new entry anyway and I haven’t. Why? I was busy on the Internet. So many other bright and shiny things to be doing, that I never seem to get around to writing anymore.
I paid my phone bill. I know I did. So I went across the way to my neighbors’ and borrowed their cellphone so i could ask the phone company why my landline isn’t working. I would imagine you, feisty cellphone owner you probably are, are now asking yourself right this very moment, why doesn’t Zach have a cellphone?
I don’t like them. Wearing a cellphone reminds me of a dog on a leash, but rather than being owned by one ‘master’ there are way too many hands on that proverbial leash.
I would find myself at the beck and call of practically everyone who knows me, and probably many who don’t; a handful of strangers trying to sell me things I don’t want. I much prefer a landline. That way when someone asks why I didn’t call back, I have a multitude of excuses. “My phone is not with me and I didn’t check my messages last time I was home,” being usually suitable enough to get away with anything. You dolts with your cellphones should think about that. What do you say when people ask you that question? You didn’t have your phone with you? Why, it’s right there in your hand or on your belt I can see it. “The battery went dead last night and I had to recharge it” you lie. Likely story. “Oh I had it on vibrate” you might say. That’s what she said.
So anyway I borrow a friend’s cellphone and call the phone company. Turns out they got my latest payment. The problem isn’t my bill. There’s an honest to goodness problem with the phone line, and since my DSL connects to the phone line, I’m unable to use either for the forseeable future.
“Lines are brittle this time of year” the lady at the phone company said to me. “We’ll have someone come round and fix it. Shouldn’t take more than a day or two.” A DAY OR TWO!!?? WHAT THE HELL??? A part of me wanted to chew her out even though it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault apparently. I could blame the heat. I could blame the weather. Chewing out Texas summers is never a good way to invest resources. You end up winded and the Texas summer refuses to listen to reason. Texas summers know they are too hot. That’s the idea. Texas summers are hateful spiteful ugly little things that deserve everything that’s coming to them, which is to say they deserve nothing cuz that’s what they are, really.
“..uh, I have some things I needed to get done on the Internet this evening,” I said meekly. She didn’t care, cuz she probably assumed I meant downloading porn. What she couldn’t know was that it entailed me putting off writing this blog entry. I already have all the porn I need. Tho I guess you can never have too much porn.
Which brings me back again to why don’t I have a cellphone? Or at least a cable modem. Something that didn’t depend on phone lines which apparently are going the way of dinosaurs. This happens to me practically every time it rains. Well, somehow I lose either the phone or the DSL but keep the other. So if the web goes down I can start calling people i haven’t talked to in awhile and ask them how they’re doing.
“Haven’t heard from you in awhile, Zachie. Lemme guess. Your Internet went down again.”
“Yeah. So. Whatcha doing?”
“I’m busy Zachie.”
“I’m on the Internet.”
“Am I missing anything?”
It has occurred to me I spent so much time on the Internet in recent years that my real social life isn’t exactly either real or social, but if I lose either phone or Internet I can at least give myself the illusion that’s not important. Losing both has left me at a bit of a crossroads. Do I want to take advantage of this moment and come to the realization that I have wasted the last ten or twenty years of my life? I started using the Internet back in 1995. I haven’t really done anything significant with my life since then, but I hadn’t done anything significant with my life before then. I could blame the fact I have done nothing with my life on the Internet, when the real truth is I doubt I would have done anything significant with my life had the Internet not been there. In fact, had the Internet not existed, I wouldn’t have a blog. I wouldn’t have sucky YouTube videos for the entire world to see. I wouldn’t have recorded myself singing terribly and foolishly uploaded those recordings cuz at the time I thought it was funny. I wouldn’t have slices of my brain scattered all over cyberspace in embarrassing ways that surprise & even make me laugh years later, and will probably outlive my sorry pathetic existence. Someone may be reading these words right now, long after I’m dead, and they haven’t a clue why I didn’t have a cellphone, cuz they don’t know what a cellphone is, cuz in the future they won’t have cellphones. They’ll just jack into the satelites remotely utilizing cybernetic implants and send a brainscan wave or something to Mars.
..it’s not even 8pm yet. I have to work in the morning. It’s too soon to go to sleep. Most of the things I would like to do on my computer involve access to the Internet. Twitter. Facebook. The games I’ve been playing on Facebook. Youtube. Cinch. Skype. Massively Multiplayer Online RPGs like DC Universe Online or Champions Online. Various Stupid Web Tricks. Everything requires Internet access. I could play solitaire again.
I could try to install on this new machine Tomb Raider or Diablo or one of the other old CDRom games I bought a couple PCs ago, but there’d be compatibility issues. I’d need updates that I can’t download from the web, or more versatile drivers I can’t search for on the net. Besides, I recall Lara Croft being a little boxy on the old computer. On this computer she’d look even less like Angelina Jolie and more like Kirstie Alley.
Well.. If all else fails, there’s still the porn.