I’d like to preface this by saying the following will be slightly funnier if you pretend Dylan Moran is reciting it. I used his voice in my head as I typed everything down. If it helps, shake your head a bit until your hair is in several different directions, perhaps pop down to a pub and have a few pints, make sure your clothing is presentable yet looks like perhaps you were sleeping on the couch in the green room for twenty minutes before someone told you to get on stage, and you just wiped a bit of drool off your face before someone thrust a microphone into your hand and patted you on the back and said, “you’re on!” maybe it’d help if you slapped yourself in the face a couple times but that’s not a requirement.

Anyway. At any rate. Pretend Dylan Moran is saying all this fucking shite. It will be slightly more funny than it actually is, which is to say it might actually BE funny.. but i make no promises.

Well. I haven’t been in here in awhile, have I? Guess I should post something.

I was going to write a post earlier this month. It was going to be about how Rush Limbaugh’s spewed jizz out his mouth about how some woman whose name escapes me now reminded him of a slut. I was going to point out that Rush’s complete failure at being funny was a blatant theft of a joke delivered on Saturday Night Live over 30 years ago by Dan Ackroyd when he said to Ms. Curtain, “Jane you ignorant slut!” I was going to do an entire blog entry about how Ackroyd did an incredible impersonation of Rush Limbaugh during the Point/Counterpoint installments on SNL’s Weekend Update decades before anyone knew who Rush Limbaugh even was.

I was gonna waft long and eloquent on this point and claim Dan Ackroyd’s “Jane you ignorant slut” is one of my favorite jokes, but then I realized it wasn’t really. I was just going for an easy jab at an old fat pig (Rush is the pig i mean; i love Dan) that no one should be writing anything about anymore. Ever. And as you can see I only needed a couple paragraphs to make this point so it wouldn’t have made a very good blog post anyway. Besides there’s so many other things Dan Ackroyd has done which I can waft long and eloquent on. Maybe some day. Not today.

So. Anyway. What the fuck did I want to talk about? Oh yes! Dylan Moran! That ripe fucker! It’s his turn now!

The idea of preserving freedom is very important. The freedom to be wrong, as well! Freedom to do the wrong thing. Elect the wrong people. Look at California. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. There’s a perfectly ordinary English sentence. How the fuck did that happen?

Moran has probably used this joke many times but I particularly remember him using it during the UK’s Secret Policeman’s Ball charity thing back in 2006. The same one that had Natalie Imbruglia singing “Torn” while some mime guy made fun of it. I was going to put a YouTube video here of Dylan Moran telling that joke, but I’ve been told by YouTube that “embedding has been disabled by request.” I don’t know what they’re talking about. I didn’t request it. You’re just gonna have to go there yourself.

I love this joke cuz it’s easy to steal it. The punchline is “there’s a perfectly ordinary English sentence.” Granted, this will only work if you speak English. However, you can say pretty much any absurd thing and then after it go, “now there’s a perfectly ordinary English sentence.” Although the above example is now no longer timely because Schwarzenegger was usurped by Jerry Brown back in 2011, that doesn’t make it any less funny, and you can supplant Schwarzenegger with any kind of absurd politician. Ron Paul is going to be the next president of the United States. Now there is a perfectly ordinary English sentence. Rick Santorum wants to decide what will happen with your penis or vagina. Now there’s a perfectly ordinary English sentence. Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot. Now there is a perfectly ordinary English sentence.

Had Dylan Moran wanted to, he could have taken this simple phrase and turned it into an entire routine. Much in the same way as Jeff Foxworthy took the phrase “..you might be a redneck” and milked it for all it was worth. Notice however, that I have yet to devote a page of my blog to Jeff Foxworthy. In fact I don’t recall even mentioning Jeff Foxworthy in previous installments of my “favorite jokes” series. If I have mentioned Jeff Foxworthy prior to this moment, it was not for a lack of trying to avoid mentioning Jeff Foxworthy. Now there’s a perfectly ordinary English sentence.

It’s not just what Dylan Moran says though that makes him a great comedian. It’s how he says everything. His delivery and demeanor is reminiscent of a man who just got dragged out of bed, and will do what is required of him to be left alone long enough to go back to sleep. He seems at once bewildered and annoyed by whatever is going on, with a dismissive “present company accepted” wave of the hand that you’re not sure if he really means that but you pretend he does cuz otherwise you’d realize you shouldn’t be laughing at his jokes cuz he might be making fun of you too. Even though Dylan Moran is an Irishman, i rather imagine koala bears share his attitude inside their heads. They sleep seventeen hours a day. This means if a koala bear is in a zoo, he will probably be sleeping when you visit him. This means the zoo keepers probably have to wake the koala bear up in order to feed him. So a koala bear spends most of his time awake trying to go back to sleep and being interrupted by zookeepers, visitors, and the occasional eucalyptus leaf. Such is life. If they ever make a cartoon about koala bears in a zoo, I hope the voice they use for the lead koala is that of Dylan Moran, even tho he’s not Australian.

Ah! I found something i can embed!


…Now there’s a perfectly ordinary English sentence.